Finally I feel like I can breathe. I've been able to give up something that has caused me a lot of agony for a long time. Finally I feel relieved, now that I don't have to constantly live with a bad conscience for not reading the Bible or for not praying hard enough. Now that I've managed to give myself some space (away from Christianity), those thoughts actually feel quite ridiculous. I am relieved to have understood that there is no certain "truth" in this world that I have to find. I don't have to live under constant pressure and pretend Christianity has given me answers, hope or comfort. I don't constantly have to try and assure myself that Christianity (as I used to know it) is true, when my reasoning is telling me otherwise. Finally I've found some mercy, mercy that comes from within.
I'm still not saying that I'm not a Christian. An antheist is surely something I'll never be. I've just began a long journey of searching, and I hope I'll never feel like I've got to the end of it. Searching and asking are the closest to the answers we'll ever get.
January 15, 2009
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