Something's really bothering me and I can't seem to get over it. I just watched a documentary "The most hated family in America", it was about the American Phepls family and their church, the Westboro Baptist. The Westboro Baptist is known for their "God hates fags"-signs and their website godhatesamerica.com. They believe they're the only ones preaching the true gospel and the rest of the world will end up in hell for worshipping idols, fornication and supporting homosexuality. The church is small, consisting of about 70 people, most of whom are children or grandchildren of Fred Phelps, the founder. They still manage to be visible and let everyone know about their message. Luckily their main focus isn't in recruiting new members, they're quite satisfied with letting USA know God hates them. Members of the church claim to be happy for each dead person ending up in hell because God's judgement is always right and something believers should feel happy about. After the high school shootings in Finland 1-2 years back the church released articles on their website thanking God for all the dead young people. They said they were God's revenge on atheist Scandinavians supporting homosexuality.
What ever happened to love?
It makes me so sad that someone can understand something so wrong. They way I see it, faith, no matter what kind of, is supposed to be about mercy, love, hope and freedom. Where does "God hates fags" fit into that?
I find it so upsetting that churches, that people like this exist. It just seems so inhuman, so cruel and so far away from love. I struggle to understand why anyone would join movements like these and have been thinking about it.
Man will never be able to control this chaos that we call our world. The natural world doesn't contain concepts of right and wrong, those were created by man and are full of gray areas. Some people desperately seek for black and white. That must be one of the reasons anyone would feel attracted to movements such as the Westboro Baptist. They certainly offer black and white! They're the only true preachers, they know the truth. They offer a clear division between "them" and "us" and see the rest of the world as their enemy. Maybe that offers some kind of comfort, always knowing who you can trust and who to hate..? And isn't a common target of hatred the best way to unite people?
I feel like these people are so blind and lost. Then again, they must think I'm blind and lost too. I just wish there was somekind of a way to open their eyes, to make them realise... But doesn't that make me just like them? I know THE TRUTH, all others convert! Perhaps it isn't so hard to understand people like the Phelps after all, isn't there one of them living in each one of us?
Well at least I don't hate fags.
October 12, 2009
September 09, 2009
Put the blame on me
My current situation of life (nothing serious, just very stressful times) makes me want to ask who's in charge of all of this. Most importantly, who can I blame? Who put in me here, in this life, in this system? What happened to freedom? Why are all these outside factors determining what I can and can not be?
Again, I guess it's a matter of choice. Often I'm not free to choose my circumstances. What freedom really is about, is inner freedom. I believe I have the chance of choosing how I let the circumstances affect me. Not always but most of the time. I'm in charge of my life, I'm not a puppet being thrown around in some wicked game. Whatever comes, I can take as a possibility to grow and still keep my inner peace or I can try to fight back and only damage myself. Acceptance is the key.
So the real question is not who's in charge. It's why am I not taking responsibility. Why am voluntarily letting myself be like this? Why am I letting the circumstances push me down and determine me?
Again, I guess it's a matter of choice. Often I'm not free to choose my circumstances. What freedom really is about, is inner freedom. I believe I have the chance of choosing how I let the circumstances affect me. Not always but most of the time. I'm in charge of my life, I'm not a puppet being thrown around in some wicked game. Whatever comes, I can take as a possibility to grow and still keep my inner peace or I can try to fight back and only damage myself. Acceptance is the key.
So the real question is not who's in charge. It's why am I not taking responsibility. Why am voluntarily letting myself be like this? Why am I letting the circumstances push me down and determine me?
July 28, 2009
Search for Faith
This blog has not served the purpose I created it for. First it was supposed to be some kind of a diary of my post-NZ life. Then it became a channel for me to voice out my spiritual doubts. My spiritual seeking has been (and will be) a long process. Somehow I just haven't managed to record the process here like my intention was. It has been such a personal journey that I doubted whether it would've been possible to write about it in a way that would be of interest to others. Certainly I was also wondering what purpose sharing my thoughts would serve and why on Earth would anyone be interested to read about them. For some reason, however, now I feel like I would like to share some of the answers my quest has given me.
Due to experiences at NZ churches and lots of other religious disappointments, last Autumn I got fed up with Christianity and decided to step away from everything it represented me. I was fed up with the church services that only managed to make me more and more anxious, I was fed up with constantly feeling inadequate, I was fed up with this God who had never answered me. Hearing people talk about "a loving Father" just made me feel sick, for I had never known that Father. That Father had never given me the peace I had desperately been looking for. How could a judgmental God somewhere in heavens above ever have anything to do with my life?
Sure I had lived my life as a Christian, gone to church, youth groups, Bible studies, talked to other people about God and told them how much He loves them. I never had any doubt God loved them more than anything, but I was just as sure that He failed to love me.
Stepping away from Christianity was a scary thing to do. What would define me if not the fact that I was a Christian? Who would I be if not someone "swimming against the stream"? Disappointments with my faith were so huge that in the end I was relieved to let it go. (I've written about that earlier.) For several months I hardly ever thought about faith. Sometimes old thoughts and feelings about being inadequate for that God crept upon me, but I was able to let go of them. I felt free for not being responsible for anyone but myself and had no interest in faith whatsoever.
It was not until I went to Marita Liulia's exhibition "Choosing my religion" (about the world religions, www.maritaliulia.com/cmr) that I realised how much I needed faith. In that exhibition I was touched by something that was holy. Something that is beyond what we usually call life but at the same time an essential part of it. I don't feel like I have the ability to explain that any further. Something of a new kind of faith started to open up to me. It had nothing to do with what I used to think of as faith.
I started (for the loss of a better word) meditating. I guess you could also call it praying without words. Finally(!) I felt some of that peace I'd been looking for. Last month I went to Taizé (a Christian village community in the French countryside). Taizé is a lot about silence and prayer and faith being true today. I realised that I will never find faith until I'm able to admit what I'm longing for. I was able to do that and realised that finding an answer to my longing was just about opening my eyes. It was just about choosing to believe the answer. My faith and my image of God are both conscious choices, not something that fell upon me from heavens above. (Trust me I waited for that for quite a long time before I realised how naive I'd been.)
Now I have found faith (or at least something about faith) that is true to me today. Honestly, I do not care about Jesus or the Bible, eternity, heaven or hell. All I need now and have chosen to believe in is a loving Father who is here and true to me in this moment.
After having realised the deeply personal way faith has opened up to me, I cannot understand how anyone could claim their truth to be the only one. I believe we all have our own ones. What makes them true to us is not that they can be rationally justified or made into universal truths, but that they work, that right here and right now they give us something we need.
Seek for your truth. I found mine from silence.
Due to experiences at NZ churches and lots of other religious disappointments, last Autumn I got fed up with Christianity and decided to step away from everything it represented me. I was fed up with the church services that only managed to make me more and more anxious, I was fed up with constantly feeling inadequate, I was fed up with this God who had never answered me. Hearing people talk about "a loving Father" just made me feel sick, for I had never known that Father. That Father had never given me the peace I had desperately been looking for. How could a judgmental God somewhere in heavens above ever have anything to do with my life?
Sure I had lived my life as a Christian, gone to church, youth groups, Bible studies, talked to other people about God and told them how much He loves them. I never had any doubt God loved them more than anything, but I was just as sure that He failed to love me.
Stepping away from Christianity was a scary thing to do. What would define me if not the fact that I was a Christian? Who would I be if not someone "swimming against the stream"? Disappointments with my faith were so huge that in the end I was relieved to let it go. (I've written about that earlier.) For several months I hardly ever thought about faith. Sometimes old thoughts and feelings about being inadequate for that God crept upon me, but I was able to let go of them. I felt free for not being responsible for anyone but myself and had no interest in faith whatsoever.
It was not until I went to Marita Liulia's exhibition "Choosing my religion" (about the world religions, www.maritaliulia.com/cmr) that I realised how much I needed faith. In that exhibition I was touched by something that was holy. Something that is beyond what we usually call life but at the same time an essential part of it. I don't feel like I have the ability to explain that any further. Something of a new kind of faith started to open up to me. It had nothing to do with what I used to think of as faith.
I started (for the loss of a better word) meditating. I guess you could also call it praying without words. Finally(!) I felt some of that peace I'd been looking for. Last month I went to Taizé (a Christian village community in the French countryside). Taizé is a lot about silence and prayer and faith being true today. I realised that I will never find faith until I'm able to admit what I'm longing for. I was able to do that and realised that finding an answer to my longing was just about opening my eyes. It was just about choosing to believe the answer. My faith and my image of God are both conscious choices, not something that fell upon me from heavens above. (Trust me I waited for that for quite a long time before I realised how naive I'd been.)
Now I have found faith (or at least something about faith) that is true to me today. Honestly, I do not care about Jesus or the Bible, eternity, heaven or hell. All I need now and have chosen to believe in is a loving Father who is here and true to me in this moment.
After having realised the deeply personal way faith has opened up to me, I cannot understand how anyone could claim their truth to be the only one. I believe we all have our own ones. What makes them true to us is not that they can be rationally justified or made into universal truths, but that they work, that right here and right now they give us something we need.
Seek for your truth. I found mine from silence.
April 07, 2009
Search for peace
Psalm 120
A song of ascents.
1 I call on the LORD in my distress,
and he answers me. ????
2 Save me, O LORD, from lying lips
and from deceitful tongues.
3 What will he do to you,
and what more besides, O deceitful tongue?
4 He will punish you with a warrior's sharp arrows,
with burning coals of the broom tree.
5 Woe to me that I dwell in Meshech,
that I live among the tents of Kedar!
6 Too long have I lived
among those who hate peace.
7 I am a man of peace;
but when I speak, they are for war.
It feels like it's almost impossible to find mental space without physical space. Where do I truly have peace of mind? In forests, away from home. I'm still searching for to find that peace here, in the middle of my ordinary life, because really: there's no difference between the forest and my home. Except that there is.
A song of ascents.
1 I call on the LORD in my distress,
and he answers me. ????
2 Save me, O LORD, from lying lips
and from deceitful tongues.
3 What will he do to you,
and what more besides, O deceitful tongue?
4 He will punish you with a warrior's sharp arrows,
with burning coals of the broom tree.
5 Woe to me that I dwell in Meshech,
that I live among the tents of Kedar!
6 Too long have I lived
among those who hate peace.
7 I am a man of peace;
but when I speak, they are for war.
It feels like it's almost impossible to find mental space without physical space. Where do I truly have peace of mind? In forests, away from home. I'm still searching for to find that peace here, in the middle of my ordinary life, because really: there's no difference between the forest and my home. Except that there is.
February 15, 2009
Agree to disagree
I think it's actually very difficult to be true friends with someone you agree with in everything. Sharing the exact same kinds of views of life can lead you to a false comfort and belief that those people would be there for you no matter what.
I reckon the best of friends can be those who disagree with us. Being friends with someone with a different onlook on life is a lot more challenging, because you can't be narrow-minded and convinced that your way is the only way. This kind of friendship is valuable because it means those people are ready to accept you and respect you for who you are.
All fundamentalism is violent, even in a friendship. If your friends are not willing to accept you but constantly try to persuade you to believe the way they do, you might want to re-evalue the meaning of those relationships.
I reckon the best of friends can be those who disagree with us. Being friends with someone with a different onlook on life is a lot more challenging, because you can't be narrow-minded and convinced that your way is the only way. This kind of friendship is valuable because it means those people are ready to accept you and respect you for who you are.
All fundamentalism is violent, even in a friendship. If your friends are not willing to accept you but constantly try to persuade you to believe the way they do, you might want to re-evalue the meaning of those relationships.
January 15, 2009
Freed to freedom
Finally I feel like I can breathe. I've been able to give up something that has caused me a lot of agony for a long time. Finally I feel relieved, now that I don't have to constantly live with a bad conscience for not reading the Bible or for not praying hard enough. Now that I've managed to give myself some space (away from Christianity), those thoughts actually feel quite ridiculous. I am relieved to have understood that there is no certain "truth" in this world that I have to find. I don't have to live under constant pressure and pretend Christianity has given me answers, hope or comfort. I don't constantly have to try and assure myself that Christianity (as I used to know it) is true, when my reasoning is telling me otherwise. Finally I've found some mercy, mercy that comes from within.
I'm still not saying that I'm not a Christian. An antheist is surely something I'll never be. I've just began a long journey of searching, and I hope I'll never feel like I've got to the end of it. Searching and asking are the closest to the answers we'll ever get.
I'm still not saying that I'm not a Christian. An antheist is surely something I'll never be. I've just began a long journey of searching, and I hope I'll never feel like I've got to the end of it. Searching and asking are the closest to the answers we'll ever get.
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