One of those days you feel like everything is crashing down on you... When really everything's just fine. So often I manage to turn the petty little things into major catastrophies. Why? Everything we do includes a choice made, so somehow I must want to do what I do. I've understood that I take so many things too seriously. Most importantly, I take myself too seriously.
Everytime I fail (or think I fail) at doing something, I feel like it's me that has failed at doing something (again!), when in reality it's the thing that failed, not me. I should not define myself by what I succeed at, no one should.
Why is it often such a long way from acknowledging to changing?
November 25, 2008
November 18, 2008
May be
I was "enlightened" in my Swedish class today. No, the Swedish language didn't open up to me in a whole new way but I discovered something else. I was writing my diary and the endless unanswered questions in it were making me think. Maybe there are no true answers. Maybe we're closest to the answer when we dare to admit our doubts and ask questions.
Maybe we're closest to God when we're asking, looking, doubting. When we think we've found some kind of a truth we've certainly lost our way. There are no truths for us, there's nothing we can know. The word truth in itself is violent. So many horrible things have been done in the name of spreading "the truth", the truth that doesn't exist. How could we even pretend that we could understand the universe? The only thing we can be certain of is our own uncertainty. Maybe, just maybe, through this uncertainty we can find new kind of forgiveness, balance, acceptance and mercy. To accept it that we are human and we have our limits. (This is where the church goes SO WRONG. Trying to explain the unexplainable. Trying to make us understand something we can understand nothing of.)
Maybe understanding is about understanding that there is nothing we can understand. And accepting that. Why is it so hard for us? Can't you see how ridiculous it is when human beings try to play God? Where does our endless urge to understand come from? Understanding is connected with a feeling of power. We feel like we can control the things we understand. Is that why it's so hard to understand that we truly understand nothing? And most importantly, that we don't have to.
"Enjoy life with your wife, whom you love, all the days of this meaningless life that God has given you under the sun— all your meaningless days. For this is your lot in life and in your toilsome labor under the sun." Ecclesiastes 9:9
Maybe that's the best we can do.
Maybe we're closest to God when we're asking, looking, doubting. When we think we've found some kind of a truth we've certainly lost our way. There are no truths for us, there's nothing we can know. The word truth in itself is violent. So many horrible things have been done in the name of spreading "the truth", the truth that doesn't exist. How could we even pretend that we could understand the universe? The only thing we can be certain of is our own uncertainty. Maybe, just maybe, through this uncertainty we can find new kind of forgiveness, balance, acceptance and mercy. To accept it that we are human and we have our limits. (This is where the church goes SO WRONG. Trying to explain the unexplainable. Trying to make us understand something we can understand nothing of.)
Maybe understanding is about understanding that there is nothing we can understand. And accepting that. Why is it so hard for us? Can't you see how ridiculous it is when human beings try to play God? Where does our endless urge to understand come from? Understanding is connected with a feeling of power. We feel like we can control the things we understand. Is that why it's so hard to understand that we truly understand nothing? And most importantly, that we don't have to.
"Enjoy life with your wife, whom you love, all the days of this meaningless life that God has given you under the sun— all your meaningless days. For this is your lot in life and in your toilsome labor under the sun." Ecclesiastes 9:9
Maybe that's the best we can do.
A prisoner of words
How often do our words fail to express even the simplest things? Today I faced the fact that my words can't get even close to describing how I feel.
Emotions! Something we'll never get away from, something we so often (too often?) base most of our relationships on. Yet when trying to find words for them, something's always lost in translation. How much can I afford to be misunderstood somewhere along the way? How much am I loosing something of myself when trying to interpret my own emotions into words? How to find a way of dealing with them without words? It is a world of language. What we can't articulate we can't understand. (Or is it so?) So how to get my message through to other people with the least amount of true meaning lost along the way?
Emotions! Something we'll never get away from, something we so often (too often?) base most of our relationships on. Yet when trying to find words for them, something's always lost in translation. How much can I afford to be misunderstood somewhere along the way? How much am I loosing something of myself when trying to interpret my own emotions into words? How to find a way of dealing with them without words? It is a world of language. What we can't articulate we can't understand. (Or is it so?) So how to get my message through to other people with the least amount of true meaning lost along the way?
November 13, 2008
Looking for acceptance
Isn't that really what most of us are doing? Trying to find a place where we're loved and accepted?
Where to find it then? I've looked for it for a long time.
Lately I've realised that true acceptance must come from within. No matter how warmly people will treat me and how much I'm loved, it's not enough. Not until I find peace with myself. I will have to find a way to believe that I am enough. Forgiving oneself is one the most hardest things. Forgiving that I failed to be what I'd want to be yet again. And understanding that perhaps that's okay.
Where to find it then? I've looked for it for a long time.
Lately I've realised that true acceptance must come from within. No matter how warmly people will treat me and how much I'm loved, it's not enough. Not until I find peace with myself. I will have to find a way to believe that I am enough. Forgiving oneself is one the most hardest things. Forgiving that I failed to be what I'd want to be yet again. And understanding that perhaps that's okay.
November 04, 2008
Accept it
Lately I've been happier than in a long time. (For "obvious" reasons.) It's just that I'm afraid. Afraid to let myself be truly happy and believe. I'm sick of being so sceptical, why can't I just trust that this can happen (and is happening) to me?
If you spend your happy times worrying when it'll end, what do you have left? Yes, you will definitely get hurt at some point in life, that's just how it goes, so what's the point of worrying about it? Worry has never solved a single problem. I reckon the key step in finding peace of mind and being able to enjoy life without worrying is understanding that we will never have full control over our lives and accpeting it. I'm on my way...
If you spend your happy times worrying when it'll end, what do you have left? Yes, you will definitely get hurt at some point in life, that's just how it goes, so what's the point of worrying about it? Worry has never solved a single problem. I reckon the key step in finding peace of mind and being able to enjoy life without worrying is understanding that we will never have full control over our lives and accpeting it. I'm on my way...
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