May be

I was "enlightened" in my Swedish class today. No, the Swedish language didn't open up to me in a whole new way but I discovered something else. I was writing my diary and the endless unanswered questions in it were making me think. Maybe there are no true answers. Maybe we're closest to the answer when we dare to admit our doubts and ask questions.

Maybe we're closest to God when we're asking, looking, doubting. When we think we've found some kind of a truth we've certainly lost our way. There are no truths for us, there's nothing we can know. The word truth in itself is violent. So many horrible things have been done in the name of spreading "the truth", the truth that doesn't exist. How could we even pretend that we could understand the universe? The only thing we can be certain of is our own uncertainty. Maybe, just maybe, through this uncertainty we can find new kind of forgiveness, balance, acceptance and mercy. To accept it that we are human and we have our limits. (This is where the church goes SO WRONG. Trying to explain the unexplainable. Trying to make us understand something we can understand nothing of.)

Maybe understanding is about understanding that there is nothing we can understand. And accepting that. Why is it so hard for us? Can't you see how ridiculous it is when human beings try to play God? Where does our endless urge to understand come from? Understanding is connected with a feeling of power. We feel like we can control the things we understand. Is that why it's so hard to understand that we truly understand nothing? And most importantly, that we don't have to.

"Enjoy life with your wife, whom you love, all the days of this meaningless life that God has given you under the sun— all your meaningless days. For this is your lot in life and in your toilsome labor under the sun." Ecclesiastes 9:9

Maybe that's the best we can do.