Overload

One of those days you feel like everything is crashing down on you... When really everything's just fine. So often I manage to turn the petty little things into major catastrophies. Why? Everything we do includes a choice made, so somehow I must want to do what I do. I've understood that I take so many things too seriously. Most importantly, I take myself too seriously.

Everytime I fail (or think I fail) at doing something, I feel like it's me that has failed at doing something (again!), when in reality it's the thing that failed, not me. I should not define myself by what I succeed at, no one should.

Why is it often such a long way from acknowledging to changing?

May be

I was "enlightened" in my Swedish class today. No, the Swedish language didn't open up to me in a whole new way but I discovered something else. I was writing my diary and the endless unanswered questions in it were making me think. Maybe there are no true answers. Maybe we're closest to the answer when we dare to admit our doubts and ask questions.

Maybe we're closest to God when we're asking, looking, doubting. When we think we've found some kind of a truth we've certainly lost our way. There are no truths for us, there's nothing we can know. The word truth in itself is violent. So many horrible things have been done in the name of spreading "the truth", the truth that doesn't exist. How could we even pretend that we could understand the universe? The only thing we can be certain of is our own uncertainty. Maybe, just maybe, through this uncertainty we can find new kind of forgiveness, balance, acceptance and mercy. To accept it that we are human and we have our limits. (This is where the church goes SO WRONG. Trying to explain the unexplainable. Trying to make us understand something we can understand nothing of.)

Maybe understanding is about understanding that there is nothing we can understand. And accepting that. Why is it so hard for us? Can't you see how ridiculous it is when human beings try to play God? Where does our endless urge to understand come from? Understanding is connected with a feeling of power. We feel like we can control the things we understand. Is that why it's so hard to understand that we truly understand nothing? And most importantly, that we don't have to.

"Enjoy life with your wife, whom you love, all the days of this meaningless life that God has given you under the sun— all your meaningless days. For this is your lot in life and in your toilsome labor under the sun." Ecclesiastes 9:9

Maybe that's the best we can do.

A prisoner of words

How often do our words fail to express even the simplest things? Today I faced the fact that my words can't get even close to describing how I feel.

Emotions! Something we'll never get away from, something we so often (too often?) base most of our relationships on. Yet when trying to find words for them, something's always lost in translation. How much can I afford to be misunderstood somewhere along the way? How much am I loosing something of myself when trying to interpret my own emotions into words? How to find a way of dealing with them without words? It is a world of language. What we can't articulate we can't understand. (Or is it so?) So how to get my message through to other people with the least amount of true meaning lost along the way?

Looking for acceptance

Isn't that really what most of us are doing? Trying to find a place where we're loved and accepted?

Where to find it then? I've looked for it for a long time.

Lately I've realised that true acceptance must come from within. No matter how warmly people will treat me and how much I'm loved, it's not enough. Not until I find peace with myself. I will have to find a way to believe that I am enough. Forgiving oneself is one the most hardest things. Forgiving that I failed to be what I'd want to be yet again. And understanding that perhaps that's okay.

Accept it

Lately I've been happier than in a long time. (For "obvious" reasons.) It's just that I'm afraid. Afraid to let myself be truly happy and believe. I'm sick of being so sceptical, why can't I just trust that this can happen (and is happening) to me?

If you spend your happy times worrying when it'll end, what do you have left? Yes, you will definitely get hurt at some point in life, that's just how it goes, so what's the point of worrying about it? Worry has never solved a single problem. I reckon the key step in finding peace of mind and being able to enjoy life without worrying is understanding that we will never have full control over our lives and accpeting it. I'm on my way...

For Christ's sake

I feel like lately my mind has opened up to so many things. Instead of always finding the easy solution, believing in what others offer as the truth and letting others determine what I should be, I've dared to think. It's surprisingly challenging trying to figure out my opinion about things, instead of always agreeing with what, let's say, Christianity has to say. So let this be a text about about the stuff that frustrate me about Christianity right now.

• Always referring to a higher authority. It's like we're not allowed to think on our own but have to accept what e.g. the Bible says is right.
• Fundamentalist Christians who have certainly lost the plot. The Bible is not a science book, it's not a history book and its laws and rules have not been intended to be directly applied to today's ethical problems. What I believe the Bible (and oll of Christianity) are, is a way of trying to explain something that can not be explained. Of course you'll find lots of flaws in the Bible if you try to read it as a fact book. So many Christians have completely misunderstood the meaning of faith and that's why they make Christianity seem so ridiculous to many.
  
• The incredible amount of spiritual violence that occurs amongst Christians. Faith is an area where people are the most vulnerable at. It's WRONG to poke into an open soul that's looking for something (somekind of a meaning, an answer, a god) and mess around with it. I'll set my personal experience as an example here. I've been to (too) many Christian services and events where they've suggested people to "surrender to God", "to ask Jesus into their heart", "to take the leap of faith." Believe me, I've tried this surrendering. Hasn't worked. And what has been the explanation? I've been told that it's my own sceptisism that prevents God's work in me. That my heart isn't open enough for God to enter. BULLSHIT. What kind of a God would be so small and weak??
• Missionary work. What right do Christians have to claim that their way is the only way of believing? That their way is the only true way to find a god? That their explanation if the only way of explaining something that can not be explained?
  

You have to shatter the old to find something new. Right now, I'm searching. If I'll find my way back to Christianity, fine. Just as long as whatever I'll find will give me some answers.

(Ironic that the bullet points of my frustration came out as cute flowers.)

Matters of right now

Self-centered thoughts in a self-centered blog.

What I was thinking, was how much do I matter? Seriously, there's six billion people in this world, don't come and tell me I'm significant. When I was younger I used to dream about changing (and saving!) the world. I still do, sort of, but I'm quite cynical about it. And a cynic is something I never wanted to become!!

Is it just me making my life miserable like this or is it something I can't fight against?

The lifespan of a relationship

It's always extremely sad to notice that you're not as close with a friend as you used to be... Is it just a part of life you have to accept? Is it better just to let things go than try and keep a close friendship going by force? Friendships always have two sides, so they need two people to keep them going.

God how I hate things fading! I really prefer things endind suddenly than them slowly withering away.

"Just do your best!"

That's what so many teachers, adults, friends have adviced me to do.

Have you ever thought of how tough it actually is to try and do your best in everything? If I'll never be perfect, why should I even try? Even trying to do so in every aspect of your life is absolutely exhausting.

Let's give ourselves and others a rest, eh? Allow each other to be imperfect and sometimes not even try and do our best.


ps. I just did so, didn't even try my best in a History exam I was totally unprepared for. Still trying to forgive myself for doing so. ;D

?+?=x

How alone am I, really? Surrounded by people, almost wherever I am. Still I hope someone would see me. Not see me for what I seem to be but see me for what I really am. It must be too much to ask for. To ask for a special someone who'd care enough to call, to ask, to care.

Can relationships solve any problems? Should we try to learn to live with ourselves first? Or are people like half-made questions that can only be answered if found by the other half of the question?

Re: reject

I wish I could be strong. So that nothing happening on the outside would affect me. Oh hold on... Isn't that another important aspect of humanity as well? No man's an island, right. As human beings we are interactive and even if we blame otherwise, are affected by our surroundings.

What kind of living is it if you always hold back, always tread cautiously? Isn't a part of being young to take leaps of faith into the unknown? Yes, you'll get hurt but it'll be worth it, right? I just hope that my leaps of faith won't end up making me a cynical grown up.

And anyway, why can't people just be what they are, sincerely? Why is it that we have to keep up apperiances, to pretend we're better than we are? Or just pretend we're not as vulnerable as we truly are...

I believe?

" I believe - life is more than survival
I believe - the heart is more than a muscle
I believe - in Hope and in Freedom
I believe - we can now right from wrong
I believe - my life can make a difference
I believe the message of the Cross "

Thanks, Rick.

Change for the sake of change

This blog certainly is some kind of self-therapy, I doubt anyone has ever read it. Oh well, still serves a purpose.

I'm struggling with something I call Finland Anxiety. I'm ready to leave this counrty now. Ashame I can't, two more years of school left. Well, to be exact, who says I have to finish school here? Still, I'm probably just not brave enough to rebel against the institution that has given my life if not a purpose, at least some direction as long as I can remember. It's just that I don't enjoy being here. Am I just spoiled? Am I asking too much of life? Is it too much to expect life to be enjoyable every single day?

Running away is probably not the solution. Life will eventually become a routine in any country I might go to. Will I just have to keep running away? Or will I learn to settle down, be happy right where I am?

Busy making other plans?

I'm so exhaustingly fed up with everything. I feel like I hate this country, this town, this school, this house. I don't feel like I belong anywhere.

I'd just want to go tramping, kayaking and caving again. I want my life to be as adventurous as it used to be during my exchange year in New Zealand. I want to live my life to the full, not just go through every day without really living it.

Who'd come with me? Who' d want to discover new things with me? Everyone else is just too busy, their lives have been planned for years ahead. What's the point of living if you're always too busy to live the moment? What's the point of preparing for anything, if you're already making new plans when the moment that you're been waiting for is finally here?

"Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans." Well said, brother John.

Unfinished business

A text of Tipitii really got me thinking. How to accept the fact that I'm imperfect? Broken, unfinished, defective. I'm not perfect and never will be, I don't know everything and never will. Is it useless to aim for perfection, then? To aim for something means you must believe it's possible. I know it's not possible to be flawless, but still, I'd like to be. I reckon it must be an "Adam&Eve" -type of a thing, where the created ones wish to be like the creator, perfect and omniscient.

Isn't imperfection the very thing that makes us human? Understading this might give us some peace of mind, a reason to forgive ourselves and others, to humbly accept we're unfinished.

Fever inspired thoughts

Lately I've given some thought to prayer. What is prayer, really? It's your heart talking with God, someone said. I've tried talking to God through my mouth, through my thoughts, through my heart and though my soul, but so far, no significant effect. I could very well talk passionately about the healing power of prayer, without having ever experienced it myself. Someone once explained that my faith's the problem. I don't believe in God enough, I'm afraid of compeletely surrendering to God, I don't trust him. Probably all true, but isn't God the only one who can give faith? How can it then be MY fault, if I don't have enough faith? I have given God permission to enter my life and my heart, what else does he need? I can't believe God is so small that he can only enter a certain person's life if that person has the exact mindset needed. What's this mindset like? Open, trusting, welcoming? Stupid, blind, naive?

Don't get me wrong, I'm a firm believer of prayer. I do believe praying can bring something significant into people's lives, other people's lives. It just doesn't seem to work with me.

First

I created this blog several months ago so I could share my post-NZ life with anyone interested. It was meant to become a blog full stories about my new, adventurous lifestyle. So far, no adventures. I still haven't given up though. I just thought it might be about time to change the purpose of this blog. I now consider it more as a way of dealing with things happening in my life and sharing my thoughts. I've never been an excellent writer, so it's not my purpose to give anyone any life-changing reading experiences. I still believe anyone can learn good writing and I'd love to.