Forgiven

I was planning to write another angry and frustrated post about Christianity, how I find it very hard to understand why anyone would want to live forever & how ppl want to play God etc. Anyway, something else came up.

I believe God is nothing but a mental image but that doesn't make him any less important. I've realised how much I need that image. I've struggled with the feelings of guilt and especially shame for a long time. I don't believe that these are caused by "the sin me", I'm pretty sure I've created those feelings myself. Constantly aiming for perfection comes with a prise. The other day I realised what kind of a role someone called God might have in this. God is Forgiveness. Through my God (i.e. what he means to me) I might be able to learn to forgive myself and to accept my failures. In a way I feel like I'm starting to find my way to interpret religious language and what it might mean to me.

Black and White

Something's really bothering me and I can't seem to get over it. I just watched a documentary "The most hated family in America", it was about the American Phepls family and their church, the Westboro Baptist. The Westboro Baptist is known for their "God hates fags"-signs and their website godhatesamerica.com. They believe they're the only ones preaching the true gospel and the rest of the world will end up in hell for worshipping idols, fornication and supporting homosexuality. The church is small, consisting of about 70 people, most of whom are children or grandchildren of Fred Phelps, the founder. They still manage to be visible and let everyone know about their message. Luckily their main focus isn't in recruiting new members, they're quite satisfied with letting USA know God hates them. Members of the church claim to be happy for each dead person ending up in hell because God's judgement is always right and something believers should feel happy about. After the high school shootings in Finland 1-2 years back the church released articles on their website thanking God for all the dead young people. They said they were God's revenge on atheist Scandinavians supporting homosexuality.

What ever happened to love?

It makes me so sad that someone can understand something so wrong. They way I see it, faith, no matter what kind of, is supposed to be about mercy, love, hope and freedom. Where does "God hates fags" fit into that?

I find it so upsetting that churches, that people like this exist. It just seems so inhuman, so cruel and so far away from love. I struggle to understand why anyone would join movements like these and have been thinking about it.

Man will never be able to control this chaos that we call our world. The natural world doesn't contain concepts of right and wrong, those were created by man and are full of gray areas. Some people desperately seek for black and white. That must be one of the reasons anyone would feel attracted to movements such as the Westboro Baptist. They certainly offer black and white! They're the only true preachers, they know the truth. They offer a clear division between "them" and "us" and see the rest of the world as their enemy. Maybe that offers some kind of comfort, always knowing who you can trust and who to hate..? And isn't a common target of hatred the best way to unite people?

I feel like these people are so blind and lost. Then again, they must think I'm blind and lost too. I just wish there was somekind of a way to open their eyes, to make them realise... But doesn't that make me just like them? I know THE TRUTH, all others convert! Perhaps it isn't so hard to understand people like the Phelps after all, isn't there one of them living in each one of us?

Well at least I don't hate fags.

Put the blame on me

My current situation of life (nothing serious, just very stressful times) makes me want to ask who's in charge of all of this. Most importantly, who can I blame? Who put in me here, in this life, in this system? What happened to freedom? Why are all these outside factors determining what I can and can not be?

Again, I guess it's a matter of choice. Often I'm not free to choose my circumstances. What freedom really is about, is inner freedom. I believe I have the chance of choosing how I let the circumstances affect me. Not always but most of the time. I'm in charge of my life, I'm not a puppet being thrown around in some wicked game. Whatever comes, I can take as a possibility to grow and still keep my inner peace or I can try to fight back and only damage myself. Acceptance is the key.

So the real question is not who's in charge. It's why am I not taking responsibility. Why am voluntarily letting myself be like this? Why am I letting the circumstances push me down and determine me?

Search for Faith

This blog has not served the purpose I created it for. First it was supposed to be some kind of a diary of my post-NZ life. Then it became a channel for me to voice out my spiritual doubts. My spiritual seeking has been (and will be) a long process. Somehow I just haven't managed to record the process here like my intention was. It has been such a personal journey that I doubted whether it would've been possible to write about it in a way that would be of interest to others. Certainly I was also wondering what purpose sharing my thoughts would serve and why on Earth would anyone be interested to read about them. For some reason, however, now I feel like I would like to share some of the answers my quest has given me.

Due to experiences at NZ churches and lots of other religious disappointments, last Autumn I got fed up with Christianity and decided to step away from everything it represented me. I was fed up with the church services that only managed to make me more and more anxious, I was fed up with constantly feeling inadequate, I was fed up with this God who had never answered me. Hearing people talk about "a loving Father" just made me feel sick, for I had never known that Father. That Father had never given me the peace I had desperately been looking for. How could a judgmental God somewhere in heavens above ever have anything to do with my life?

Sure I had lived my life as a Christian, gone to church, youth groups, Bible studies, talked to other people about God and told them how much He loves them. I never had any doubt God loved them more than anything, but I was just as sure that He failed to love me.

Stepping away from Christianity was a scary thing to do. What would define me if not the fact that I was a Christian? Who would I be if not someone "swimming against the stream"? Disappointments with my faith were so huge that in the end I was relieved to let it go. (I've written about that earlier.) For several months I hardly ever thought about faith. Sometimes old thoughts and feelings about being inadequate for that God crept upon me, but I was able to let go of them. I felt free for not being responsible for anyone but myself and had no interest in faith whatsoever.

It was not until I went to Marita Liulia's exhibition "Choosing my religion" (about the world religions, www.maritaliulia.com/cmr) that I realised how much I needed faith. In that exhibition I was touched by something that was holy. Something that is beyond what we usually call life but at the same time an essential part of it. I don't feel like I have the ability to explain that any further. Something of a new kind of faith started to open up to me. It had nothing to do with what I used to think of as faith.

I started (for the loss of a better word) meditating. I guess you could also call it praying without words. Finally(!) I felt some of that peace I'd been looking for. Last month I went to Taizé (a Christian village community in the French countryside). Taizé is a lot about silence and prayer and faith being true today. I realised that I will never find faith until I'm able to admit what I'm longing for. I was able to do that and realised that finding an answer to my longing was just about opening my eyes. It was just about choosing to believe the answer. My faith and my image of God are both conscious choices, not something that fell upon me from heavens above. (Trust me I waited for that for quite a long time before I realised how naive I'd been.)

Now I have found faith (or at least something about faith) that is true to me today. Honestly, I do not care about Jesus or the Bible, eternity, heaven or hell. All I need now and have chosen to believe in is a loving Father who is here and true to me in this moment.

After having realised the deeply personal way faith has opened up to me, I cannot understand how anyone could claim their truth to be the only one. I believe we all have our own ones. What makes them true to us is not that they can be rationally justified or made into universal truths, but that they work, that right here and right now they give us something we need.

Seek for your truth. I found mine from silence.

Search for peace

Psalm 120

A song of ascents.
1 I call on the LORD in my distress,
and he answers me. ????

2 Save me, O LORD, from lying lips
and from deceitful tongues.

3 What will he do to you,
and what more besides, O deceitful tongue?

4 He will punish you with a warrior's sharp arrows,
with burning coals of the broom tree.

5 Woe to me that I dwell in Meshech,
that I live among the tents of Kedar!

6 Too long have I lived
among those who hate peace.

7 I am a man of peace;
but when I speak, they are for war.


It feels like it's almost impossible to find mental space without physical space. Where do I truly have peace of mind? In forests, away from home. I'm still searching for to find that peace here, in the middle of my ordinary life, because really: there's no difference between the forest and my home. Except that there is.

Agree to disagree

I think it's actually very difficult to be true friends with someone you agree with in everything. Sharing the exact same kinds of views of life can lead you to a false comfort and belief that those people would be there for you no matter what.

I reckon the best of friends can be those who disagree with us. Being friends with someone with a different onlook on life is a lot more challenging, because you can't be narrow-minded and convinced that your way is the only way. This kind of friendship is valuable because it means those people are ready to accept you and respect you for who you are.

All fundamentalism is violent, even in a friendship. If your friends are not willing to accept you but constantly try to persuade you to believe the way they do, you might want to re-evalue the meaning of those relationships.

Freed to freedom

Finally I feel like I can breathe. I've been able to give up something that has caused me a lot of agony for a long time. Finally I feel relieved, now that I don't have to constantly live with a bad conscience for not reading the Bible or for not praying hard enough. Now that I've managed to give myself some space (away from Christianity), those thoughts actually feel quite ridiculous. I am relieved to have understood that there is no certain "truth" in this world that I have to find. I don't have to live under constant pressure and pretend Christianity has given me answers, hope or comfort. I don't constantly have to try and assure myself that Christianity (as I used to know it) is true, when my reasoning is telling me otherwise. Finally I've found some mercy, mercy that comes from within.

I'm still not saying that I'm not a Christian. An antheist is surely something I'll never be. I've just began a long journey of searching, and I hope I'll never feel like I've got to the end of it. Searching and asking are the closest to the answers we'll ever get.

Overload

One of those days you feel like everything is crashing down on you... When really everything's just fine. So often I manage to turn the petty little things into major catastrophies. Why? Everything we do includes a choice made, so somehow I must want to do what I do. I've understood that I take so many things too seriously. Most importantly, I take myself too seriously.

Everytime I fail (or think I fail) at doing something, I feel like it's me that has failed at doing something (again!), when in reality it's the thing that failed, not me. I should not define myself by what I succeed at, no one should.

Why is it often such a long way from acknowledging to changing?

May be

I was "enlightened" in my Swedish class today. No, the Swedish language didn't open up to me in a whole new way but I discovered something else. I was writing my diary and the endless unanswered questions in it were making me think. Maybe there are no true answers. Maybe we're closest to the answer when we dare to admit our doubts and ask questions.

Maybe we're closest to God when we're asking, looking, doubting. When we think we've found some kind of a truth we've certainly lost our way. There are no truths for us, there's nothing we can know. The word truth in itself is violent. So many horrible things have been done in the name of spreading "the truth", the truth that doesn't exist. How could we even pretend that we could understand the universe? The only thing we can be certain of is our own uncertainty. Maybe, just maybe, through this uncertainty we can find new kind of forgiveness, balance, acceptance and mercy. To accept it that we are human and we have our limits. (This is where the church goes SO WRONG. Trying to explain the unexplainable. Trying to make us understand something we can understand nothing of.)

Maybe understanding is about understanding that there is nothing we can understand. And accepting that. Why is it so hard for us? Can't you see how ridiculous it is when human beings try to play God? Where does our endless urge to understand come from? Understanding is connected with a feeling of power. We feel like we can control the things we understand. Is that why it's so hard to understand that we truly understand nothing? And most importantly, that we don't have to.

"Enjoy life with your wife, whom you love, all the days of this meaningless life that God has given you under the sun— all your meaningless days. For this is your lot in life and in your toilsome labor under the sun." Ecclesiastes 9:9

Maybe that's the best we can do.

A prisoner of words

How often do our words fail to express even the simplest things? Today I faced the fact that my words can't get even close to describing how I feel.

Emotions! Something we'll never get away from, something we so often (too often?) base most of our relationships on. Yet when trying to find words for them, something's always lost in translation. How much can I afford to be misunderstood somewhere along the way? How much am I loosing something of myself when trying to interpret my own emotions into words? How to find a way of dealing with them without words? It is a world of language. What we can't articulate we can't understand. (Or is it so?) So how to get my message through to other people with the least amount of true meaning lost along the way?

Looking for acceptance

Isn't that really what most of us are doing? Trying to find a place where we're loved and accepted?

Where to find it then? I've looked for it for a long time.

Lately I've realised that true acceptance must come from within. No matter how warmly people will treat me and how much I'm loved, it's not enough. Not until I find peace with myself. I will have to find a way to believe that I am enough. Forgiving oneself is one the most hardest things. Forgiving that I failed to be what I'd want to be yet again. And understanding that perhaps that's okay.

Accept it

Lately I've been happier than in a long time. (For "obvious" reasons.) It's just that I'm afraid. Afraid to let myself be truly happy and believe. I'm sick of being so sceptical, why can't I just trust that this can happen (and is happening) to me?

If you spend your happy times worrying when it'll end, what do you have left? Yes, you will definitely get hurt at some point in life, that's just how it goes, so what's the point of worrying about it? Worry has never solved a single problem. I reckon the key step in finding peace of mind and being able to enjoy life without worrying is understanding that we will never have full control over our lives and accpeting it. I'm on my way...

For Christ's sake

I feel like lately my mind has opened up to so many things. Instead of always finding the easy solution, believing in what others offer as the truth and letting others determine what I should be, I've dared to think. It's surprisingly challenging trying to figure out my opinion about things, instead of always agreeing with what, let's say, Christianity has to say. So let this be a text about about the stuff that frustrate me about Christianity right now.

• Always referring to a higher authority. It's like we're not allowed to think on our own but have to accept what e.g. the Bible says is right.
• Fundamentalist Christians who have certainly lost the plot. The Bible is not a science book, it's not a history book and its laws and rules have not been intended to be directly applied to today's ethical problems. What I believe the Bible (and oll of Christianity) are, is a way of trying to explain something that can not be explained. Of course you'll find lots of flaws in the Bible if you try to read it as a fact book. So many Christians have completely misunderstood the meaning of faith and that's why they make Christianity seem so ridiculous to many.
  
• The incredible amount of spiritual violence that occurs amongst Christians. Faith is an area where people are the most vulnerable at. It's WRONG to poke into an open soul that's looking for something (somekind of a meaning, an answer, a god) and mess around with it. I'll set my personal experience as an example here. I've been to (too) many Christian services and events where they've suggested people to "surrender to God", "to ask Jesus into their heart", "to take the leap of faith." Believe me, I've tried this surrendering. Hasn't worked. And what has been the explanation? I've been told that it's my own sceptisism that prevents God's work in me. That my heart isn't open enough for God to enter. BULLSHIT. What kind of a God would be so small and weak??
• Missionary work. What right do Christians have to claim that their way is the only way of believing? That their way is the only true way to find a god? That their explanation if the only way of explaining something that can not be explained?
  

You have to shatter the old to find something new. Right now, I'm searching. If I'll find my way back to Christianity, fine. Just as long as whatever I'll find will give me some answers.

(Ironic that the bullet points of my frustration came out as cute flowers.)

Matters of right now

Self-centered thoughts in a self-centered blog.

What I was thinking, was how much do I matter? Seriously, there's six billion people in this world, don't come and tell me I'm significant. When I was younger I used to dream about changing (and saving!) the world. I still do, sort of, but I'm quite cynical about it. And a cynic is something I never wanted to become!!

Is it just me making my life miserable like this or is it something I can't fight against?

The lifespan of a relationship

It's always extremely sad to notice that you're not as close with a friend as you used to be... Is it just a part of life you have to accept? Is it better just to let things go than try and keep a close friendship going by force? Friendships always have two sides, so they need two people to keep them going.

God how I hate things fading! I really prefer things endind suddenly than them slowly withering away.

"Just do your best!"

That's what so many teachers, adults, friends have adviced me to do.

Have you ever thought of how tough it actually is to try and do your best in everything? If I'll never be perfect, why should I even try? Even trying to do so in every aspect of your life is absolutely exhausting.

Let's give ourselves and others a rest, eh? Allow each other to be imperfect and sometimes not even try and do our best.


ps. I just did so, didn't even try my best in a History exam I was totally unprepared for. Still trying to forgive myself for doing so. ;D

?+?=x

How alone am I, really? Surrounded by people, almost wherever I am. Still I hope someone would see me. Not see me for what I seem to be but see me for what I really am. It must be too much to ask for. To ask for a special someone who'd care enough to call, to ask, to care.

Can relationships solve any problems? Should we try to learn to live with ourselves first? Or are people like half-made questions that can only be answered if found by the other half of the question?

Re: reject

I wish I could be strong. So that nothing happening on the outside would affect me. Oh hold on... Isn't that another important aspect of humanity as well? No man's an island, right. As human beings we are interactive and even if we blame otherwise, are affected by our surroundings.

What kind of living is it if you always hold back, always tread cautiously? Isn't a part of being young to take leaps of faith into the unknown? Yes, you'll get hurt but it'll be worth it, right? I just hope that my leaps of faith won't end up making me a cynical grown up.

And anyway, why can't people just be what they are, sincerely? Why is it that we have to keep up apperiances, to pretend we're better than we are? Or just pretend we're not as vulnerable as we truly are...

I believe?

" I believe - life is more than survival
I believe - the heart is more than a muscle
I believe - in Hope and in Freedom
I believe - we can now right from wrong
I believe - my life can make a difference
I believe the message of the Cross "

Thanks, Rick.

Change for the sake of change

This blog certainly is some kind of self-therapy, I doubt anyone has ever read it. Oh well, still serves a purpose.

I'm struggling with something I call Finland Anxiety. I'm ready to leave this counrty now. Ashame I can't, two more years of school left. Well, to be exact, who says I have to finish school here? Still, I'm probably just not brave enough to rebel against the institution that has given my life if not a purpose, at least some direction as long as I can remember. It's just that I don't enjoy being here. Am I just spoiled? Am I asking too much of life? Is it too much to expect life to be enjoyable every single day?

Running away is probably not the solution. Life will eventually become a routine in any country I might go to. Will I just have to keep running away? Or will I learn to settle down, be happy right where I am?